A Lesson in Speechlessness
So, what are you doing with your life?
The dreaded question, levelled at shaking twentysomethings with cruel frequency. I knew last year that I didn't know. Didn't know the answer, that is. But you can't not have an answer - it's like admitting to living at your parent's house... which I also do.
Anyway, before this past year I have always had the answer. Basically it was school, and the assumed subsequencies of a good job in the field of my major, and so on. But that changed with a rapidity that left me standing dizzied before a world that was larger, needier, and more important than I had supposed.
And then the question.
Oh, how badly I wanted to give a "right" answer! Not because I thought it important, but because expectations weigh so much, and are so hard to shed when not fulfilled - especially when they are the expectations of an entire culture.
I knew then, not only that I didn't know the answer, but that I needed to not know the answer, at least for a time. My tendency to let my scholastic and occupational pursuits represent me was wrong. If I didn't have the answer, the person asking would have to encounter a portion of me that is truer than the name of a university or job title. Perhaps more importantly I would have to probe myself deeper, not satisfying myself with quickly dropping a name and letting that suffice for self image.
And so I stopped. The race continued but I sat down and watched it pass, as it still passes. As it turns out they were all running a little crooked, and I with them. My pat answers only identified me with the masses, making me safe and comprehensible and ostensibly forgettable to all who would ask. Not having that answer frightens people. There is too much opportunity, too much hope and fear for most to handle. Too much for me, at times. But having sat by the side of the road and watched all those runners run to they know not where, I think I have seen, am beginning to to see, the straight path. If I must walk it alone, I will.
In the meantime, you may ask all you like, but be warned, you may not like the answer.
The dreaded question, levelled at shaking twentysomethings with cruel frequency. I knew last year that I didn't know. Didn't know the answer, that is. But you can't not have an answer - it's like admitting to living at your parent's house... which I also do.
Anyway, before this past year I have always had the answer. Basically it was school, and the assumed subsequencies of a good job in the field of my major, and so on. But that changed with a rapidity that left me standing dizzied before a world that was larger, needier, and more important than I had supposed.
And then the question.
Oh, how badly I wanted to give a "right" answer! Not because I thought it important, but because expectations weigh so much, and are so hard to shed when not fulfilled - especially when they are the expectations of an entire culture.
I knew then, not only that I didn't know the answer, but that I needed to not know the answer, at least for a time. My tendency to let my scholastic and occupational pursuits represent me was wrong. If I didn't have the answer, the person asking would have to encounter a portion of me that is truer than the name of a university or job title. Perhaps more importantly I would have to probe myself deeper, not satisfying myself with quickly dropping a name and letting that suffice for self image.
And so I stopped. The race continued but I sat down and watched it pass, as it still passes. As it turns out they were all running a little crooked, and I with them. My pat answers only identified me with the masses, making me safe and comprehensible and ostensibly forgettable to all who would ask. Not having that answer frightens people. There is too much opportunity, too much hope and fear for most to handle. Too much for me, at times. But having sat by the side of the road and watched all those runners run to they know not where, I think I have seen, am beginning to to see, the straight path. If I must walk it alone, I will.
In the meantime, you may ask all you like, but be warned, you may not like the answer.
posted by James at 23:38
4 Comments:
Hey James,
I think you know how much I agree and empathize with your situation. I find myself constantly asking, "what's my calling" or "where's my true passion"? etc. I see friends of mine "getting on with their lives" with what they truly believe is a calling for them in various fields, and I find myself fighting the urge to not feel behind the 8-ball. There is one thing that Tory mentioned to me the other night on this topic, however. He said, "Do what you know you do well, not what you think will be 'cool' or have any great deal of 'prestiege'. YOU have to live YOUR life, no one else. Too many people don't get that fact when asking for opinion on this topic."
So, I say to you Mr Pearson: bravo. Good for you to learn to take it slow, enjoy yourself, and find the time to reflect on what is important to you, what you are good at, and how you can best apply yourself. I am learning this lesson too, but my punctual nature is, at times, putting up a fight. One of the things I am learning in my twenties is that the social timeline for school, job, marriage, etc. is just an illusion; It is man's attempt to take God's place in planning their lives when it is only in His plan that we can find happiness.
I leave you, however, with a word of caution--one that will sound odd at first, but hopefully will become clear. Though humanitarian effort is nobal, I think it is also important to remember that to care TOO much, is to loose perspective on how much you can help those people. If we become too involved with attempting to help those in need, we lose sight of the big picture at times, and it is understanding the bigger picture that allows us to help the greatest number in the greatest way. Always remember: Prayer is the best humanitarian aid. If you recognize your own limitations and learn to let go and let God, I think the world will be a much better place with you on the scene doing His work.
Cheers, my friend.
Good thoughts... definitely sometimes think I am running a path leading to nowhere- and the funny thing is... I'm not even chasing the american dream... anyway, found your blog bc i am a fellow american whose heart lives in Nangi... so just wanted to say hey and be God's.
Nick,
Thanks for the comment, moi drug. I will heartily agree and preliminarily disagree, in turn.
I think (or hope) that finding something good to do is better than just doing something. In any case, I have to find something worth doing. Doing something just to have something to do will slowly kill me.
As far as caring, I'll say that at this point I disagree, though I understand your logic. But I read a book about someone who cared a ton, and he's changing the world for the better. Check out _Mountains Beyond Mountains_ if you get a chance. I'd love to hear what you think of it.
I think that, although emotional involvement tends to lead to myopia, it can also serves as the greatest of guides in truly addressing needs - rather than just implementing pretty policy.
But hey, I'm young, inexperienced, and don't have a Poli Sci degree. We'll see where we stand in a couple years.
pamaemmala,
It's great to hear from another lover of that little village in the sky. As it turns out, I'm going there in a couple weeks. Will you be in the area?
I took the liberty of perusing your blog a bit... what are you studying in Bangkok?
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